Long time drinker, first time loather! I write to you today to clear up a couple of quick points about your Premium Light ad, the one with “Now Seduction Can Happen Anywhere” emblazoned across the top.
Seduction is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the act of persuading someone to have sex with you.” So, uh, hate to break it to you and everything, but that could (and does!) already happen anywhere. Prehistoric caves, plague-ridden shacks, hotels, motels, Holiday Inns, aaaactually pretty much any location that can sustain human life for long enough for copulation: if people can live there, people can probably fuck there. If people have lived there, people have probably fucked there! Shit, I personally have been ~seduced~ in such locations as a golf course, a train station, and a bush (go ahead, judge me, I dare you) without the aid of your product. I mean, this is like advertising toothpaste with the tagline “Now You Can Scrub Your Teeth To Clean Them!” No fucking shit, dillholes.
Oh, but wait, wait, I get it. You packaged an incredibly obvious fact in phrasing meant to imply that your product has something to do with the truth of that fact, when, in reality, it doesn’t at all; excellent marketing strategy, way to go! Shame what you’re talking about is seduction and your product is alcohol, because that means this ad is really saying, “Now the act of using alcohol to persuade someone to have sex with you is possible anywhere!” You know, in the state where I live, that’s rape. Cheers, Heineken. Real nice.
But wait! Just in case the implication wasn’t clear enough, you’ve got that word beneath it, the name of this whole ad campaign, “Irresistible,” to really drive home your point. Heads-up-seven-up, Heinekin, but an “irresistible seduction” — that is, a “seduction” that someone is not capable of resisting — is not in fact a seduction at all. Denying someone their ability and right to resist sex is not persuading them to have sex with you, it is forcing them to have sex with you, which, just so we’re really clear, is what the word rape means. And if you want to claim that you were using “Irresistible,” to describe your beer and not to make horrific rapey implications, then I still have you on false advertising, because I can personally prove to you starting right now how very very easy it is to resist absolutely any product with your name on it. You just watch me not drink your beer, Heineken. You just watch me never, ever give you my money again.
In conclusion: I’m going to take your advice to heart, and enjoy Heineken responsibly by way of ensuring that neither I nor anyone I know ever enjoys any brand of yours again. Thanks so much for being the sort of repulsive shitstain fuckheads who use rape as a marketing tool; I’ve been meaning to switch to Rolling Rock.
Yours Sincerely, A Former Customer
P.S. Just in case you want to defend yourselves by pointing out that this ad seems to have been released way back in the ancient times of 2007, and claim, as such, that I am uninformed and you’ve changed, really, of course you have, I invite you to check out this fucking disaster of an ad from 2012, in which you instruct Heineken drinkers on how to buy a girl a drink despite “coy objections” like “no means no,” on the theory that “some girls insist on playing games.” Aaaaaand I also invite you to go fuck yourselves, because, seriously. Go fuck yourselves.
ALSO I talk about him way too much on here but this is just where I vent about things that I don’t want to talk to my friends irl about so yeeeeah sorry for making it seem as though my life revolves around a boy but gotta have a place to vent.